Dear Baby Hipsters,
While I appreciate you bringing The Outsiders back into the cultural rotation with your sharp fashion sense, I hope that you understand how wearing matching outfits(tight black shirt, dark denim) may make people think you are venue security. The angry, bewildered expressions you had plastered on your faces during the entirety of the concert are usually reserved for the movie theater. People aresupposed to get excited at a concert. I know how this can seem confusing, being that your first experience with concerts was in a movie theater (Hannah Montana: The Movie), but we are witnessing one of the most talented musicians in history play live.
I understand that you were watching Zach and Cody Suite Life during the height of The White Stripes’ popularity. I totally get that it may have been a bit of a turn-off to witness a 32-year-old freak out over a guy that has only put out two albums, but did you really need to block my every effort to dance my way on stage? OK, so I wasn’t that aggressive, but you did totally dance-block me.
To the pansexual love triangle situated in front of me-
I applaud and even encourage your open-minded approach to sexuality. May I also say that I am genuinely happy for you and your recent legal status – drink away! But the Jack White concert is not the place for your hysterical dramatics, nor is it appropriate to involve a near-by stranger (me). The first time that you accidentally groped me, I forgave it, because we were in tight quarters, but it was not okay to continue caressing me. Your girlfriend got mad and “accidentally” elbowed me in the chest at least twice every fifteen minutes, and made it a point to prove that she didn’t see me standing there. I was standing so close to her that I could follow the lines of her DIY haircut, but I guess her peripheral vision is impaired.
Maybe it was my fault for focusing all of my anticipation on this one concert. If we are being honest, I envisioned this concert as my Courtney Cox/Bruce Springsteen moment. At the very least I hoped for an autograph, despite my lack of VIP passes.
To the tiny dread-locked young ladies who insisted on screaming Finding Nemo quotes in my ear during Jack White’s adorable introduction to Sugar Never Tasted So Good –
Didn’t someone at some point teach you that it is rude to talk while others are talking? I understand that you may have gotten angry at Jack White when he stated “ get your shit together hipsters”, but did you have to whip your heavy dreads against my back? Yes, that dirty look I kept turning around to give you was genuine, and you need to learn to take a hint.
To the drunken young couple who snuck down from the cheaper seats to cut directly in front of me and my husband-
I certainly encourage sneaking closer to the stage at any concert, and the audacious transplant was nothing short of impressive. Next time, though, consider that one of you is six-foot six, and that you effectively block the entire view of people standing behind you. I apologize for getting physical, and elbowing my way around you. I also apologize for yelling at my husband to do the same, but I seriously doubt you notice. I understand that Seven Nation Army may be your song as a couple, but this is not the prom. This is neither the time nor the place for slow-motion making out.
I’m not saying that I am Jack White’s biggest fan, I am not that delusional. I am, however, probably his only fan who got back into playing the cello in hopes that some day I would make it to his recording studio in Nashville. Of course he will pop in “just to jam a bit”, and will quickly realize that we have a musical future together. The exchange will go a little something like this:
JW: “ Has anyone ever told you that you could pass for my sister?”
me: “ Of course, many times.” (this may have only been in my head, but still)
JW: “ Would you like to join me on tour?”
me: “ Absolutely. Do you mind if my husband comes along? He plays the drums and will let us dye his hair black.”
JW: “ I like it.”
Okay, I’m getting off topic. Despite all of your attempts, I still had an awesome time, but I wish I could have stayed in my happy place during the whole concert. I will get over it though, because that is what my generation does best.